Hi all! What terrible mistake did I make two weeks ago? Committing to writing something next week. When will I learn? Never, probably. What actually happened last week? Well… loads of appointments, including – most notably – having my lower left wisdom tooth removed.
This was actually quite stressful, even though it went fine and was technically a textbook tooth extraction, so I’m going to write about it here. If you’re not into this kind of thing, just scroll down to get to my thoughts on CBeebies vs. Milkshake!.
The thing I didn't understand about tooth removal is that it remains a fundamentally medieval process. This time last year, I got an onlay on another tooth – a sort of sliver-thin crown that sits on top of the tooth, holding it together. Getting an onlay is like being in the future of dentistry. Ultra hi-res pics are taken of the inside of your mouth; they do a cast to make an exact replica of your tooth out of medical-grade porcelain. This they painstakingly match with a sort of tooth-size Dulux colour chart, offering options from “Bodrum ice white” to a taupe that says “my diet is black coffee, Marlboro reds, and fudge”. (I was roughly in the middle, phew.)
Cometh the day, they make a sort of dental dam tarpaulin, stretch it across the rest of your mouth so the little guy that needs fixing is poking out, then stick the its new hat on with what is called “dental cement” but, not gonna lie, smells a lot like superglue. For a year now, I’ve enjoyed granola, hipster seeded sourdough, and Lidl Croccantini without drama. So I was quite relaxed about getting my wisdom tooth removed, especially because it was decaying and frankly gross and why am I even typing this, please don’t unsubscribe.
When it comes to getting a tooth removed, sure, the trappings of modern dentistry are there. The surroundings are delightful, you get two injections of anaesthetic, antibiotics to avoid infection, and a very charming Spanish oral surgeon (make your own joke here) thoroughly explains the procedure. But at the end of the day, the procedure is getting a massive pair of pliers and pulling the tooth out of your skull. That’s it. Takes less than a minute. Doesn’t actually hurt, thanks to lidocaine. You just feel a bit of pressure while they yoink an actual body part of another one.
The most painful bit is the price: it actually costs more than an onlay? It costs the same as a (family friendly, campsite-based) holiday? It costs more than going to a Michelin-starred restaurant and getting a black cab home? For five minutes and the year 1145’s most innovative medical breakthrough? Come on.
Once again, nothing but respect for the actual dentist (sorry, oral surgeon) and his team and modern anaesthesia, but absolutely the most grudging grudge purchase I have ever made. Although is the pain of the vast expense preferable to actual toothache? Indubitably, yes.
Record Scratch, Back on Topic
I talked last week about how much I prefer broadcast TV to on-demand in the morning; the very act of writing this has led to Sarah and Duck on repeat, but do you know what? S&D is calm, delightful and easy to pause, so I’m rolling with it for the moment. But after three years of getting people out the door for nursery/school, I have watched far too much of both CBeebies Get Set Go and Channel 5’s Milkshake! and have opinions about both.
Because, in my view, mid-nineties Smash Hits! is the absolute apogee of journalism (blah blah Pulitzer prize something something Watergate) the only way to settle this is a head-to-head Top Trumps style comparison.
Presenters
CBeebies make a big deal out of the CBeebies house, and rightly so. Representation matters, so it is great that they are a diverse bunch in everything from skin colour to accents – with the exception of clothing, where an “all bright colours, all the time” edict has presumably been passed down from the highest echelons of the BBC. There’s also a puppet, Dodge the Dog, and I love a puppet. Many many years ago, I was on The Big Breakfast and having seen the physical effort it took to make Zig and Zag happen I have nothing but respect for a good subversive on-screen puppet. It isn’t broadcast live. You can tell because they repeat some links and Dodge doesn’t cock his leg on anything.
The CBeebies presenters are probably the most high-profile “real” people in children’s TV. They speak out about important issues and, sadly, take considerable flak when they do so. They change the conversation about what people can achieve. Mums have been having crushes on Andy Day for more than a decade. They are also real people with friends and families who love them, so I’m not going to share my internal ranking of them here. That would be mean, divisive and utterly contrary to the joyous, inclusive spirit of the CBeebies house. But I will say Ben is my favourite ;)
Milkshake! Has a similarly diverse bunch, but is a bit more “old school” in terms of links, reading out birthday cards, etc. Because they spend less time tooling around making fruit salad on set, I couldn’t actually tell you their name (sorry guys!). But (and I am fully happy to be corrected by anyone who actually knows here, please write in) as far as I can tell they are live, which in my opinion counts for a lot. What is children’s TV if we are not one autocue fail away from everyone laughing so hard they cry? They also have a puppet, Milkshake Monkey, who gets his own show in the summer, which I love for its simple, classic “just go visit stuff” format.
Schedule
Here’s the CBeebies schedule. OK, we all love Bluey. My Petsaurus is short and sweet. But what’s that sat, like a steaming heap of droppings, right in the prime “after breakfast” slot? Oh no, it’s Peter Rabbit. This TV iteration of the Beatrix Potter classic-slash-merch-powerhouse is terrible. The peril is totally overstated and usually manages to upset somebody because the baby/Benjamin/another key character has been placed in a terrifying situation.
On top of this, Peter and his crew basically operate in a moral vacuum. Yes, I have read the book and I know his whole deal is going into Mr McGregor’s garden to steal vegetables. But the TV show goes way beyond this: Peter is basically an awful person/rabbit, who generates plots by lying/stealing/losing his friends’ toys/being a little dickhead. Some highlights from these episode summaries:
Peter accidentally destroys the Squirrels' store of nuts with one of Mr. Bouncer's misfiring invention…
The rabbit's plans for a casual garden raid takes an unexpected turn when Peter discovers Mr. McGregor's newest invention: a silent black-and-white camera…
Peter tells an impulsive lie, which leads Jemima Puddle-Duck into Mr. Tod's clutches…
When Peter forgets to get his mother a present for Mother's Day…
Do you need more reasons to hate this show? It has an awful soundtrack that sounds like weird Christian rock. The “predators,” the loosely-affiliated bunch of baddies, are basically just trying to live their life in peace; the rabbits will happily mess up their day even when there’s no ill intent on their part. The animation looks cheap, but is actually just old. Just put this whole thing in a pie, and put the pie in the bin.
Obviously, Octonauts is great, but we can talk about that another time.
Meanwhile, over on Milkshake! this is the schedule. Guys, I hate to get over-excited (LOL no I don’t), but I would call this “all killer, no filler.” There’s a lot of opinions about both PAW Patrol and Peppa Pig that we can discuss another time, but overall, I think they’re both fine. Pip and Posy is SO wholesome. It’s a 3D stop-motion rendition of Axel Scheffler’s drawings. It is sometimes a little cloying to the point of smugness (sharing! Asking nicely! Hashtag bekind!) but do you know, we all need a bit of that before we’ve finished our coffee.
Next up is Paddington. If Peter Rabbit is a terrible example of how to update a classic, Paddington smashes it. The key elements (bear in duffel coat that accidentally messes things up, posh West London family with housekeeper, marmalade sandwiches) are all there, but it’s recognisably London now, with a diverse cast of supporting characters, skate parks, metal detectors and Chinese New Year celebrations.
There are approximately eight thousand episodes of Paddington, which means you aren’t constantly watching repeats. Ben Whishaw does the voice, rather than thinking he’s too important for TV and only does movies. Gary Barlow (yes, that Gary Barlow) does the theme tune as part of his ongoing quest for…. What? A Knighthood? Another million pounds? Total domination of middle-aged mum Spotify? What does he want? Actually fair play to GB, while Mark Owen was clearly the hottest one in TT and Robbie actually did achieve global megastardom, he did come out with this belting quote, according to Popbitch, which makes the work we’re all doing here worthwhile. "What I got was really good parenting. It's why Gary Barlow isn't Sid Vicious." Thanks, Gary.
Then there’s Milo, which is basically careers guidance for five year olds. Milo (a cat) and his little mates (A giraffe called Lofty? How original.) try on different outfits that are being cleaned in MIlo’s parents’ launderette. It’s very sweet and actually quite funny.
Substack has jut told me this stupidly long now, so I should reach a conclusion. While CBeebies has engaging presenters, the Reithian appeal of zero adverts (except for adverts for their own apps…. Which are actually a harder pester power moment to swerve that eg Legoland or Thorpe Park… hmmmmm) and Bluey, the actual programmes are way better on Channel 5. Look, I’m a Libra, of course I can’t issue a definitive ruling. But I can chew on both sides of my mouth now, so let’s take that as a win.