Who Let The Dogs Out?
A definitive (ish) guide to kids TV shows about dogs. Well, three of them, anyway.
Firstly, sorry this is landing a little later than expected. I’m new here. Let's talk about dogs. Not the dogs in Bluey, because the dogs in Bluey aren't dogs – the dogs in Bluey are people. (They are very funny, though.) Also, not Paw Patrol, as they’ve got their own post coming in a few weeks, depending on if and when I (yes, me, never mind the actual children) can muster the psychological strength to watch the second movie. So let's consider some of the more realistic canines that dominate the children’s TV landscape, in descending order of reality.
Big Dog Energy
First, Dog Squad, on Cbeebies, has real dogs helping actual people. There's Kika, a guide dog; hearing dog Diesel; Sylvie, a big fluffy emotional support newfie; Tinks, who can push, pull and grab things for her owner; and a border collie mountain rescue dog. The collie has switched between the first and second season: Meagaidh was replaced by Dan.
Border collies are some of the smartest dogs out there, so what went down behind the scenes? Dan rewrote the production contracts? Meg got shoved down a Trossach, Showgirls-style? Border collies have had enough of humans using them to herd sheep and rescue climbers, and they’re off to cut out the middleman and work for ChatGPT directly? Whatever the reason, Dan and owner Jamie (who can give me a “cuddle for courage” any time ;)) are on the case.
I'm a particular fan of Dog Squad because it appeared at just the right time – at a point when the twins were obsessed with a) dogs, b) helping, and c) reward charts. Dogs helping people for firework rainbow reward stars is basically dopamine on a plate for four-year-olds. Also, the producers know exactly what they’re doing: tiny Tinks, who is voiced by Stacey off of Gavin and Stacey, summons “big dog energy” to complete her tasks. Throw in an earworm theme tune and there's something for everyone.
A Dogression Sidebar about Canine Companions
It's probably worth confessing at this point that I'm a cat person and always have been. I like dogs too, though – which is handy, given my proximity South East London's première dog-friendly café, Snuffle. It's run by a lovely lady who used to work at Hawksmoor. The menu is great and I love a sneaky freelance lunch there. They didn't pay me to write this – they don't even know I'm writing it LOL – but how can you not love a place where this is your view at lunch?
But if you do have a dog, it’s definitely worth a trip to sunny Sydenham with your four-legged friend. Speaking of which, do you want a good cry? No I mean it, do you want to be an absolute emotional wreck for the rest of the day? A big snotty mess? Perhaps you need a moment of catharsis? Read this Wikipedia list of dogs faithful to their owners and it will break you. We actually don’t deserve animals 😭😭 😭
Now You’ve Stopped Crying…
Next up is Waffle the Wonder Dog. Waffle has been a CBeebies stalwart for aeons, and tells the story of a blended family, the Brooklyn-Bells, and their talking poodle Waffle. A lot of people on Mumsnet hate it, and for balance, so do Reddit users. I have to admit I'm not the biggest fan. Waffle's voice (it’s Rufus Hound… ahahaha sooo clever) is a bit whiny TBH. There are four series with vast amounts of story arc, so you have to figure out if you're dealing with cute puppy Waffle, Waffle at school where he becomes a pupil and learns to read (WTF) or a random Daily Mail-enraging backstory about the family.
There are pros: the B-Bs house is a feast for the eyes, the writing is good and each episode tells a nice little story; the dog is cute. Phil Nice, who is instantly recognisable to anyone who grew up watching Channel 4 in the nineties (and runs the best pub quizzes in all London) plays Mr. Willow, who is in all the best episodes.
But there's no getting around the fact that Waffle is basically... a stalker? Mrs Hobbs, the neighbour, just wants to live in peace with her cat George. But Waffle will not leave them alone. He breaks into their house, through a tunnel which also fits Mr. Brooklyn-Bell. He professes unrequited love. He gaslights her repeatedly that she really does love dogs (she doesn’t AND THAT’S OK!).
If Waffle were human, one hopes he’d have a restraining order. The B-Bs even emotionally blackmail Mrs Hobbs into not selling her house; anyone who has been involved in the process of either buying or selling a house in the UK knows the process is an expensive, solicitor-intensive pain in the arse without a talking dog trying to screw it up.
He Reads Them Every Day
Dog Loves Books is also on CBeebies. It's an animated series about Dog and Pug, who run a bookshop. I can't help but feel that it's a show about books made by people who... don't like books very much? It has basically nothing to do with reading? Some episodes (diggers and superheroes) are fairly straightforward trots through some standard kids TV homilies, and that's fine – I want my children to learn that teamwork is good and hard work is more important than being shiny!
Others have Queen Victoria as a recurring character and seem to impose completely fictional narratives on real historical figures – like this one, where they persuade Picasso out of his blue period and get him to invent cubism. Which is a pet peeve of mine: these guys are real, why make stuff up? Ultimately though, it’s fine – the voices are cute (in fact, Dog is the guy who did “Jazz Club” on the Fast Show - nice), it’s short and sweet, and free from peril enough to go stick a wash on and make yourself a cup of tea.
Or do go and get something stronger if you’re still recovering from that Wikipedia Greyfriars Bobby list of doom. Who are you favourite children’s TV dogs? Feel free to start a dogscussion below…